Bullying Prevention: The Bully’s Prescription
Just as we find ways to help targets and encourage upstanders, kids with bully behaviors need support too. When it’s all said and done, we want kids who bully to make positive changes and better decisions. Today, I want to talk about ways to help students who bully or have bullying behaviors.
One day I received a self-referral from a student who wanted to talk about bullying. I pulled him from class so we could chat. A conversation that I believed was going one way ended up going a completely different way. This young man wanted help to stop his bullying behaviors! I couldn’t help but applaud him for first recognizing his behaviors as bullying and secondly for seeking help so he could make a change.
Supporting Students Who Bully
What made that student seek assistance? I’d like to think it had to do with the proactive nature of my school counseling program. Students from Kindergarten through 5th grade have received lessons on bullying prevention every year, so the messages are always on repeat at each grade’s developmental level. I believe it’s important to teach students what bullying behaviors are. I’ve found that some students don’t always realize that what they are doing could even fall in that category.
There is an activity I have used for a while on the Smart Guidance Volume 1 CD called “Become Wise to Bully Behavior” by Will Moody and Diane Senn. During the lesson, students are always surprised to learn that even leaving others out on purpose is a bullying behavior. I like that the lesson helps students to own up to past behaviors without judgment. The bottom line: If you have done these behaviors in the past, stop. Apologize to those whose feelings you may have hurt and make better choices going forward.
Hopefully, before there even needs to be a “bully prescription,” school counselors can be proactive on the front end in hopes that a “prescription” isn’t needed. However, there is a (hopefully small) percentage of students who will slip through the crack and need further intervention.
My Student’s Bully Prescription
- So, I went on to meet with the student for a few sessions. He had already recognized his behavior and wanted to address it, so that step was already completed. We were able to focus on empathy to start, and he easily verbalized how his target may be feeling because of his behaviors. Teaching about and helping kids understand empathy is another great way to be proactive. It is an excellent part of the “prescription” after the fact as well. Kids need to understand empathy so they can really think about and consider how their actions affect others.
- One of the next things we tackled was WHY. We have to remember that kids bully others for various reasons. Some bully because they’ve learned it from their environment whether that be at home or the kids they hang around. Others seek to have power and/or control over their targets. There may also be a few kids who are lashing out at others because they are dealing with their own emotional baggage, so it’s important to include this step in the “prescription” process. You may uncover something in the child’s life that needs to be addressed.
- We also took time to discuss what frustrated him with the student he was targeting and we talked about alternative ways to address the problem. This can be a good time to incorporate the use of “I-Messages” to express feelings. It’s also a good time to address self-discipline and decision making skills. This student “chose” to treat his target disrespectfully. We took time to talk about better options to address the things that bothered him. This is a good time to hit “rewind” on the “remote” and have the student come up with what he or she could have said or done differently. This discussion will allow you to see if the student’s mindset is shifting.
- Finally, we focused on righting the wrong. By the time we met for our last session, he was ready to apologize for his behaviors. In any situation where students are having a dispute, I prefer if we discuss what they will say and even role-play for practice so they can take action themselves. If students feel like they need support, I have offered to have everyone come to my office to talk while I’m present. This student handled things on his own to start. He did come back some time later to say he felt like he was “slipping,” but we got through that.
It’s not enough to just tell a student with bully behaviors that it’s wrong and to stop. I believe we need to take time with these student just as we would the others involved. Ultimately, we want the situation to be resolved so that all parties involved feel satisfied with the outcome. If we can apply a bully prescription, we can slowly chip away at the problems that arise in our schools. Nothing is perfect, but as counselors we must do all we can to support all students.
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